Privacy is overrated.

My original intent was to be private about this.


I blamed myself for being sick, guilty of not making all the healthy life choices I know I should have made my whole life. After all I know better, no excuses. I was surprised to learn that healthy physically fit people get cancer too, but I still feel responsible for my illness.

Sanford is a small town and everyone knows us so keeping this private was not possible. My plan was to disappear for a few months and come back thinner, with bigger boobs and a new hair style letting everyone gossip about my “plastic surgery”. No such luck.

Just the simple meaningless greeting of “How are you?” would set me on a crying spell. The worst was when someone would get half way through the question and catch themselves and get the “look”. The “oh crap” she’s got cancer “look”, I shouldn’t ask her that question.

People are not afraid of asking the question they are afraid of the answer. Most of the time the answer is “fine” and we are happy. The discomfort comes when the answer is, “I’m afraid.” This is the most disturbing feeling for me right now. If you know me, you know that fear is something I do not usually experience. I believed that I can do anything I set my mind on. Now I’m not so sure.

Getting over my embarrassment of being ill has helped me to feel stronger, allowing people to care about me was uncomfortable at first but now it is a source of comfort. My advice is to let people help you when you need it, it’s not just a benefit to you it gives purpose and comfort to the person that helped you.

Courage and Strength for me comes from you and all the people that are willing to hear me say “I am afraid.”